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Shit’s The Word

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(Ranjit Nair blogs at Occupied Space)

Since ‘Rowdram’ and ‘Sound of Boot’ have just been released, I thought it would be apt to run through what would typically runs through the minds of the likes of Renji Panicker and Shaji Kailas when planning a new movie.

The Hero: Suresh Gopi, Mammootty or Mohanlal. If its either of the first two, they can be educated from some fancy-sounding school outside Kerala (and mouth epithets like shit, crap, bullshit, damn etc in every couple of sentences), and also be the son or grandson of some retired honorable politician whose roaring days are over, thanks to backstabbing partners (who the hero can abuse during a later scene). If its Mohanlal, he’s probably an orphan who migrated to an outside state/country when his parents were killed, and picked up classical music along the way. And yeah, a music composer needs to be hired as well – fit in a classical or semi-classical song somewhere. Otherwise, ominous-sounding background music would do (what are Enigma CDs etc for?).

The Heroine: Optional, only for eye-candy. Should be pretty, knowledge of English preferable (since there’s only one female dubbing artiste in Kerala, who’s knowledge of English would rival that of a kindergarten kid). Make her an honest government servant, like an policewoman, or a collector or sub-collector. Should be tough, but marshmallow in the hero’s hands once he’s called her a ‘bitch’ or something else equally derogatory.

Crony of Hero Who Dies Just Before Climax: Biju Menon, Tony or one of the new young blokes whose debut films have flopped. An orphan who the hero accosted in his childhood and brought home. Faithful companion, insert scene where crony cries and remembers his gratitude to hero.

The Betrayer: Pretty much the same as the crony, except the betrayer is money-minded (insert scene where the hero affectionately chides him for being so darned money-minded). To add insult to injury, this character has to suffer through the verbal diarrhea of the hero (insert couple of Sanskrit shlokas if Mohanlal, hire Sanskrit professor for 2 days of shooting) before being killed.

Hero’s Father: Either a garlanded photograph on the wall, in which case an affectionate mom is mandatory, or some veteran actor like Madhu or Janarddanan who makes all the appropriate noises.

Hero’s Mother: Mandatory only in certain cases, as outlined above. Pretty much delegated to serving food, and to the puja room. Probably fit in a scene where she worries about her son, and the dad consoles her saying that their son is a man (as opposed to Dileep).
Poor Man / Woman Who Hero Helps: Usually, an out of work actor suitably disheveled. The character would be a victim of some tragedy, waiting for justice tearfully after being abused by the system and/or corrupt politicians and policemen. Enter the hero, who then delivers a lecture on how Gandhi said that the heart of India is with the poor etc, and promptly delivers justice.

Object of Abuse: There’s hardly any other way to describe the likes of Kollam Thulasi, Rajan P Dev, Devan, Shammi Thilakan etc – placed in the movie solely to provide the hero an opportunity to mouth off. These would usually be corrupt politicians / police officers. Typical verbal attacks include being called a pimp, being accused of being the hero’s father’s barber (or some such) who then proved ungrateful, and at the end (or just before interval) being asked to do a countdown, or insert an external object into a hidden body part.

The Villain: Sai Kumar or Siddhique, who seem to be our only charismatic actors around apart from the 2 Ms. They have nothing much to do except drink malt whiskey, slip in an oblique reference to Karunakaran/Antony, and then summon up suitably indignant expressions as the hero indulges in verbal diarrhea yet again.

That’s it, that’s the formula. And hey presto, you have the latest Mohanlal / Mammootty / Suresh Gopi blockbuster ready to hit the theatres!!

10 Comments

  1. ROTFL..one of the most sarcastic movie post read in a long time..awesome..this couldnt have got better..

    There are additional characters like a lady who is a victim of rape or who was exploited by the villians..

    neways nice laugh for the day!! 🙂

  2. had a good laugh !!

    this should be mailed to the above mentioned directors!!!

  3. Spot on !! Really can’t stand those awful formula films any more. Esp all those heroines who sound exactly same , due to the dubbing artist u mentioned. And where r the feminists ?? One inslting English dialogue from the hero which would get u slapped elsewhere, but here the heroine is all smitten. Torture to sit thru any more..

  4. Nice Sarcacism deeply enriched by the realistic nature 🙂
    Has the potential to be a text book chapter for Malayalam Film students…

  5. Adding to the formula:

    1. Donmax-ed editing

    2. Close-up shots like toothpaste applied on the brush, ice cubes splashing on the whisky glass

    3. Hero’s sidekick who either speaks nonsense or in a local slang (suraj venjaranmoodu, bijukuttan or harisri ashokan)

    4. Baburaj as the corrupt policeman who always chew paan

    The formula extends even after the movie is released. We are forced to see the actors in TV programs taking pains to explain how the movie soo socially relevant!

  6. Few more:

    1. Hero (Suresh Gopi/Mammootty) mostly uses words like – Feudal/Political/Kingmaker/Pimp etc.

    2. Hero invariably knows the whole bio-data of all villians – where they were born, their lineage, their 1st crime, how they rose among the ranks in crime etc.

    3. The good muslim – Mostly will be a old bearded man with names like some Thangal/Saahib/Haaji. Would have participated inn freedom struggle. Throw in references to “uppu” satyagraham, Khilafat etc for good measure.

    4. The bad muslim – Will be a smuggler/businessman with links with ISI and other Dubai links. Will be chided by the good muslim whom this guy will later kill.

    5. The vamp – She will be villian’s keep. Will either have a show-down with the hero or try to seduce the hero, in either case our hero will blabber out her whole history.

    6. The chief minister will have a fatherly affection for the hero. He will be the only good man among corrupt politicians but will have his hands tied due to pressure from various directions and then the hero will scold the chief minister also.

    7. Hero superior (cop) will also be friendly with hero but lacks the guts to take on the evil. Hero will blast him also at some point. This guy may also end up getting killed at some point in the movie.

  7. LOL !! thats a sure shot formula we’ve got .. take some from here & there, mix them up, and what do u know, we got ourself a new “Shit” movie.

    Actually, our “Shit” movies is the answer to Hollywood’s Spaghetti Westerns!!

  8. Superb article with careful research but missed out characters like the hero’s sister who falls in love with the crony, an elderly advisor who has been in the family for years and frequently recalls about hero’s father , grandfather etc

  9. Spaghetti Westerns are ITALIAN, not American (hollywood)

    and Leone’s SW films are way above these Kailas/Suresh Gopi commercially crap films.

    By the way, after watching a couple of John Woo Hong Kong films, I’ve come to realize that Kailas’s suresh gopi cop films have copied a lot from Woo’s films (including dramatic music)…

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