Written by Unni
Actor Dileep is planning to produce a new movie with all the 5 superstars (him included). This movie will be written by Sibi.K.Thomas and Uday Krishna and directed by Joshiey. The movie is being made to raise funds for AMMA and all the superstars are acting for free. Making such a movie, satisfying the egos of all involved is a daunting task. Here is an imaginary discussion in preparation for the movie.
The 4 super stars sit in a plush suite at Abad Plaza, along with the 5th superstar cum producer and Joshiey, the man who has the enviable task of directing a movie which would feature them all. Here are some excerpts
Dileep: Ellavarkkum Namskaaram. We are here to discuss the new movie we are doing for AMMA. Incidentally Iam the producer of that movie (flashes that impish smile for which he’s famous for)
All: hmmm, whatever.
Dileep: The first task is identifying heroines for all of you. Mammukka, being the oldest in our group you get the first…
Mammotty (interrupts): I am NOT old. Even in the latest cover of Nana, I look barely 21. Padmapriya and Nikita look old standing next to me. Even my son is older than me.
Dileep: Sorry Mammukka. I will rephrase that to senior most. Who are your preferences as heroine?
Mammotty: Mallika Sherawat, Rakhi Sawant or Celina Jaitley
Mamootty (pretends deaf): They are the only heroines from Bollywood who could suit me.
Dileep: But Mammukka they all charge a bomb
Suresh Gopi: I don’t have a bomb, but I can donate a grenade. Hehehehe.
Mammotty: So what. If you want me to act, I need one of them.
Dileep: Mammukka, Why don’t we try for Manisha Koriala or Juhi Chawla. We need not pay as much for them. Besides they will be a perfect match for you (tries flattery)
Mammootty (flattery doesn’t work here): They are all very very old and can act as my mother. They cannot be my heroines.
Dileep (on the verge of tears): Mammukkaaaaaaaa. I don’t have that much money
Mammootty: OK. If you insist, I will take a young girl from Malayalam. (Thinks for a while).. How about Sanusha?
Dileep: (shocked) I will try.
Dileep: Laletta, now your turn.
Lal: I don’t want any Bollywood babes. However since Mammukka asked for Sanusha, I will settle for Shyamili. Don’t you know the formula yet? The age of my heroine has to be the square root of my age. Padmapriya and Meera Jasmine are too old for me. And stop complaining about money, If you don’t have money I’ll ask Antony Perumbavoor to produce it.
Dileep: (shocked again): I will try (looks sadly at Joshiey who merely nods his head). Sureshetta, your turn
Suresh Gopi: I want a dance with Mamta on Mauritius beach. I have written a few lyrics for the song also. It is RAP by the way. Hear it.
I am the Tiger, I am the FIR
I am the baamb, I am the dynamite
Push it, Kick It, Watch it, Watch it all
Shit you, Shit me Shit all…baby, come on
Dileep: (shocked): Excellent!. Jayarametta, you dont have any heroine. Ettanu ethaayalum ippo padam onnuillello. Athukondu naayikayum venda
Jayaram (miffed): Pooda chekka avidunnu
Dileep: Oh Pinne. Saukaryam ondel abhinichaa mathi.
Jayaram: Chekka, we both are from the great place of Kochi
Dileep: OK, I will give you Ramabhadran, grandson of Guruvayur Kesavan as your pair.
Jayaram (happy): Mathi. Athu mathi.
Dileep: As for me, I will go for Kavya as she is my lucky mascot. In the story there will also be a scene where I will go to Chennai and dance with Namitha, just like that. Now to the song sequences. Mammukka, As you cannot dance…
Mammootty (interrupts once again): Who said I cannot dance. Did you watch my dance in Thuruppugulan or Rajamanikkyam ? I want a dance picturised on me. For that, I am prepared to attend 1 month PT classes in the local elementary school.
Dileep: Mammukka let me see if that’s possible. Laletta, we will shoot your scenes in Ottappalm and Palakkad. Sureshetta, anyway you cannot dance. Jayarametta, we will shoot a few antics with you and the elephant. Kavya and me are planning to go to Uruguay to shoot our song. We have a few sequences planned in the Amazon jungles as well. I will hang on to a creeper and do a Tarzan. However for Kavya, we cannot risk the creeper. So she will admire my beauty from the ground itself. And Udit Narayan will sing for me in both Spanish and Malayalam. The song will be called La Costa Kochu Kallee
Lal: You can do Tarzan or the monkey, it does not matter. I want a song where I invoke Lord Muruga and it must be sung by Vineeth Srinivasan. Velmurukaaa…..
Everyone: Haro Hara…
Dileep: Now to the action scenes. This wil be a movie with extraordinary action. For that everyone including me will attend a 1 month crash course in the Mafia Sasi School of Fighting Arts to hone our fighting skills. Talking about the fights, Mammukka we plan to shoot a fight in the night in a cheru (swamp). You will get a bit dirty. Sorry for that
Mammotty: Thats all fine. But I have a few conditions. I should have a leather jacket from Versace and jeans from Diesel. If Jeans is not possible, I want a specially designed Kasavu mundu from Kancheepuram. Also since it might get out of place in the fights my briefs should be either from Jockey or Calvin Klein
Dileep: But Mammukka they are all expensive. I am not Tamil Producer Shankar to afford all that. Besides its only a fight and the dupe will be doing the sequence.
Mammooty: So what? Also, keep 10 bottles of Dettol and 20 bottles of AXE ready so that I can wash myself after shoot. I also want 5 pairs of Rayban/Police sun glasses.
Dileep: Mammukka, the fight is supposed to be in the night. Besides, all these sun glasses are very costly.
Mammotty: If thalaivar Rajnikant can wear, I can also.
Dileep: OK. Laletta, you will get a customary mundu-oori adi. Also we have planned a few underwater sequences like the ones you did in Naran.
Lal: Ayyo, Vellathinadiyil olla adikku nyaan illa. Kazhinja thavana enikku nalla neerveezhayum pani-yum pidichu. Mathramalla, vellathinte adiyil olla Thel-inteyum Neerkkoli-deyum kadi kollan vayya.
Dileep: Laleettaaaa, dont worry, athreyum original aakkunnilla. We will shoot in a water tank in Vismaya Max. In Hollywood and Bollywood it is the time of superheroes like Krishh and Superman. Since you have played a lot of superman roles, this time we will have a scene where you tie your lungi around your neck like a cape and jump off a cliff.
Lal (relieved): I know who would be perfect to act to act as dupe for that scene (nudges Mammotty). In the climax, I will appear in Kathakali costume and show some mudras. Last time I got an award for doing it, why not give it a shot again? Or do you want to me to appear nude?
Dileep: Nooooo! This is a family picture. Sureshetta, since the fight is in a swamp, you cannot have a slow-motion walk.
Suresh Gopi (roars): Bha Pulle, valla road-ilum aakkeda stunt. Also add a scene where I juggle six live dynamites while kissing Mamta.
Dileep (frightened): Ok Sureshetta. We will “extend” the fight to the road also. Jayarametta, since you cannot fight with an elephant you don’t have any action scenes. As for me, I will come in a Harley Davidson and then I will jump into the Pajeiro of the villain.
Mohanlal: In Visyama Max, we have the ability to shoot using miniatures. This scene can be shot there.
Dileep: Now for the dialogue. As with all Joshiey movies, we will all talk mostly in English. FYI, I have ordered 5 copies of the latest edition of Websters which contains all the bombastic words we will be using. The movie will entirely be subtitled in Malayalam.
Dileep: Appo ellarum happy alle..
ALL: Of Course we are.