Shaji Kailas is planning a new movie with Dileep as the hero. The idea is to convert Dileep from a soft neighborhood boy to a macho macho man. While the discussions were going on, we happened to be the fly on the wall.
Writer: So you are saying Dileep should be all macho in this movie? Pour me a Johnny Lever, I mean Walker.
Shaji Kailas: Somehow people seem to want to watch this guy’s movies and how long can I depend on Suresh Gopi? Last time I went to see him, he almost bit my neck. He said he was Dracula.
Writer: Dileep’s strength is comedy. Do you want me to do a half-comedy, half-serious movie? Microsoft Word has a new template for it.
Shaji Kailas: Shambho Mahadeva! The only comedy scenes in my movies so far have been people cutting each others body parts. I cannot think of a scene where Dileep falls into cow dung. I think I need a glass of “lime juice”.
Writer: Do we need to add a role for Kavya?
Shaji Kailas: Kavya is least of my worries. Right now I am worried about finding a 5 foot tall villain. I always had Suresh Gopi to look down on villains before shooting them. I might have to get the cast of Vinayan’s Atbuthadweepu as villains for this movie.
Writer: Last time I searched, all those guys had moved to Gulf and are singing in East Coast Vijayan’s Albums. What do we do now?
Shaji Kailas: Elementary, my dear writer. We will use Kavya’s high heels for Dileep.
Writer: Do you think, like in your Suresh Gopi movies, Dilip will be talking in English and Malayalam at the same time?
Shaji Kailas: No. This time I think I want to use Sanskrit. Audience appreciated the Sankrit slokas we used in the background for Chintamani when Suresh Gopi was on a killing spree. If Sanskrit does not work, Swahili is also fine.
Writer: Hakuna Matata Boss! Do you want to incorporate some songs? Dileep wanted to dance in New Zealand again.
Shaji Kailas: You know that songs and cheap sentiments have no place in my movies. New Zealand is for the old Dileep and chocolate heroes like Kunchako Boban. The tough Dileep will dance in tough neighborhoods, like Baghdad, Mogadishu or AKG Bhavan.
Writer: Will Dileep walk in slow motion all the time?
Shaji Kailas: Yes, of course. We should also get tons of short extras to walk behind him, so that the scene looks like he is leading the March of the Penguins. This time I am planning to use slow motion in some sentimental scenes also.
Writer: What about stunts? Do we get Mafia Sasi again?
Shaji Kailas: Have you seen Sivakasi, where Vijay hits a villain and he goes spinning like a top into another villain, and both remain suspended in air spinning. I want to spin such a tale. We will get stunt directors from Tamil. We will get Kanal Kannan and Super Subbaraayan, and if that is not sufficient, we will also get LTTE Prabhakaran and Osama bin Laden.
Writer: What about his looks?
Shaji Kailas: Besides, tons of make up to make him look fair, we will also need some crude oil.
Writer: You mean Coconut Oil?
Shaji Kailas: I already used Coconut Oil in Chintamani lavishly on Suresh Gopi. Oil is the hot commodity in the market and the root cause of all problems in the world. The countries which sell oil are all ruled by dictators and opressors of their own people. They are all Dons. Dileep’s hair will be styled using crude oil, so that he looks like a Don, which is the title of our movie.
Writer: Boss, I think this movie is going to be a big hit. Let me call my travel agent and book the flight ticket immediately.
Shaji Kailas: Where are you off to?
Writer: To Baghdad or Mogadishu, to get some crude oil.
(Disclaimer: If you thought this dialogue actually happened, then you are as crazy as we are.)